How much weight do we lose during sex?

Diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.


1 hr. intensive foreplay burns off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking burns off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner burns off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself burns off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3; Decanting the wine: 4; Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15; If you are anxious: 43; If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5; If you are rich (credit card): 15; If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4; Casually rummaging around: 7; Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES With partner’s consent: 12; Without partner’s consent: 187; Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner’s ear: 15; Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10; Partner wears corrective underwear: 15; Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100; You don’t mind: 0.25; Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4; Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18; Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26; German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48; English (woman on top; man hiding): 15; American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36; Making believe you don’t have a leg cramp: 612; Sneezing (during intercourse): 7; Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5; Toupee slips off (if partner didn’t know): 72; Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1; Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17; Extinguishing cigarette (in partner’s leg): 133; Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15; Expression didn’t change: 0.5; Room turned purple: 4; Face turned purple: 78; Earth moved: 30; If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588; Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX “I am so grateful”: 15; “It must have been something we ate”: 15; “Was it good for you?”: 15; “Are you finished?”: 15

TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5; If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18; During sex: 546; While parking car: 212

SLEEP Real: 5; Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5; In a sink: 150; In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn’t go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman’s journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold:-

Explaining how: 12; Suggesting something different: 3; Calming terrified Harold: 40; Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8; Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56; Intercourse (standing position): 22; Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10; Intercourse (urging him on): 5; Orgasm: not sure; Thanking Harold: 3; Waving bye-bye: 1; Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting); Total calories burned: 160

So, what are you waiting for…?

(Ever wondered why I’m eating so much? *lol*)

17 Comments on “Sex and Calories”


    :-) I want to make the Earth actually move. I am going to devote my efforts to that, ha,ha..
    Hilarious post..

    Lifecruiser: What do you think we’re doing here? Don’t you feel it shaking already? *LMAO*

    Maribeth UNITED STATES said:

    LOL I am laughing so hard I am sure to wake my husband. Well, at least I have something fun to read to him! :-}

    Lifecruiser: Good! It’s fun to have some fun :-)

    Wystful 1 UNITED STATES said:

    Ummmmmmmmmm, you asked “So what are you waiting for?” —————-I’m still trying to get my head out of my butt when I was buring those 2,000+ calories while blowing in my own rear—no, shoot!!! Now that I re-read it it’s EAR not REAR!!!


    Oh well, I can smear that chocolate cake on my S-O and have no guilts now!!!

    see ya!!!!—I’m outta here. No peekies now!!!

    (oh and about the comment you left? No worries on the A-team stuff…I totally understand. And the last question on the Friday’s feast had me going this week. But notice, I did keep my answer CLEAN!!)

    Lifecruiser: hicking of the laughs… Seeing the visions of you blowing in the rear…. *ROFLMAO*


    That is a great new guide to weight loss. A lot of people can get into that and start adding up. Thanks for the laughs. I just want to say that I’m sorry I missed your October birthday and I hope that your day went well.

    Lifecruiser: Oh, no problem CC, I almost forgot it myself ;-) Yes, this is a very very good way to exercise, so I’m very surprised that not more people have taken it up. Or maybe they have? I tend to see less of people right now…. hm…. LOL

    claudie FRANCE said:

    Yes, of course, sport in bedroom or in an other place perhaps!
    I must say that it’s the only sport of my husband! I think he hates other sports! He loves cooking, painting, theater and computer and sport in bedroom! then it’s the only time to lose weight!

    Lifecruiser: Ha ha, that sounds like Mr Lifecruiser :-) Who knew that sport could be soooo nice…? *smile*

    Debbie UNITED STATES said:

    All I can say is that I can see you are either feeling much better or you have gone over the edge completely! I will have to share this on with Hubby unless he finds it on his own! LOL

    You are special my friend!

    Lifecruiser: Gone over the edge? I’m born over the edge :-) But don’t blame this on me, some one else did this excellent investigation, so I’m innocent, I’m just passing the message… with pleasure…. LOL

    This is my way to deal with pain or sad things - with humor!

    You’re too kind to me, just call me crazy ;-)

    Tanya HONG KONG said:

    HAHAHA!!!! I love it. May I borrow it to send to my hubby?? :)

    Lifecruiser: I’m glad you liked it! Since I’m not the one to blame for it - many has already seen this in other places - you can borrow it :-) Normally when I’ve written things myself (almost everything else here is written by me) I don’t like that. I prefer a link to my post. Have fun :-)

    Gattina BELGIUM said:

    Very interesting ! The only hick is, I never climbed on the balance before and then after !

    Lifecruiser: I know…. It might not be the first thing that comes into my mind either. Maybe we should start to? LOL
    I wonder how fast the calories disappears… When we could except it to show on the scale?

    Oh, this is wonderful scientific discussions ;-)

    Chana CANADA said:

    what a great post…hmm..i feel a mix of giggles, a little warm and a bit embarrassed, lol..forgive me for i was so darn curious to read how H&B2 would say about it..i laugh there too, lol..

    i never quite thought of it like is good and now is healthy for you, lol…saids who life sucks? and here i thought it was prozac who would help my life the most, lol.

    now i see how you and the hubby keep so in shape and smiling and positive all the way..

    Lifecruiser: Yes, we always have to keep an eye on H&B2 hah…? LOL We’re just so happy to have him among us!

    We’ll keep burnin’ that fat! *LMAO*

    mar SPAIN said:

    A new concept on burning calories, much more fun than the Beach Diet, lol. Love the postures according to nationality!
    I have to wait until I stop laughing for further thinking …or action ! :cool:

    Lifecruiser: Yes, no more boring diets, just to have fun :-)


    lol You almost make me wanna try it!!!! ;-)

    Lifecruiser: Almost…? I was hoping for something more… LOL

    Melli UNITED STATES said:

    Hang on! Hang on! I’m still calculating! Do you burn MORE or LESS if the dog watches???

    Lifecruiser: well… hm… I think that depend if he’s drooling on you or not… Oooops :-O

    Stefani UNITED STATES said:

    Or the cat??

    Ev Nucci UNITED STATES said:


    OH MY GOSH……….I ADORE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Ev Nucci UNITED STATES said:

    Captain Lifecruiser, are you serious?
    REally entruly? The jacuzzi is 15,000 and some odd …or are you just teasing me? Seriously….come on tell me the truth…………don’t get me all excited here..because you know what’s gonna happen? I may end up living in that freaking jacuzzi you see in the pics with hubbie…….and I’m not gonna let him outta there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I AM ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! OH BABY!!!!!!!

    Dakotah UNITED STATES said:

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: OMG THAT WAS SOOOO FUNNY I LOVE IT MAKE MORE MAKE MORE

    SwordMama said:

    I love for everything to go purple! And we really need a jacuzzi now.Wahooot! The best diet I’ve ever heard of. :mrgreen:
    SwordMamas last blog post..Soma’s Diego TeeShirt Pillow procedure

Leave a Comment